Oh no! Not another joke!

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse.  He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.  The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present.  She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you... it don't look so good."

Penguin Joke to make you groan!

A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat.

He says to the man, “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car?”

The man says, “I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up”

“You should take them to the zoo,” replied the attendant.

“What a good idea,” said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.


The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant serves him and notices the penguins are still in the car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?”

The man replies, “I did... they loved it... and now I’m going to take them to the movies!”

The husband store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the "Husband Store."

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

The Cute Princess

There once was a really cute princess who was walking through the woods. All of a sudden she heard a voice calling,  "Hey Really Cute Princess!"

She looked around and didn't see anyone or anything but a frog sitting on a big rock. She started to carry on her way but the frog called again. "Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow next to you, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"

It had been a very long and boring day so she decided to pick up the frog and give it a try though she really didn't believe the frog at all.

The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow beside her. When she woke up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow beside her sat a really Handsome Prince.

Do you believe this story?

No! Neither did her mother!

Parrot at Auction

One day David went to an auction. While he was there, he bid for a parrot. David really wanted this bird, so he got caught up and thoroughly involved in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. 

Finally, after he had bid much more than he had intended, David won the bid; the parrot was his at last.

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, 'I hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!'

'Don't worry.' said the auctioneer, 'He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?'

The parrot and the thief

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.  He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, 'Jesus is watching you!'

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
'Jesus is watching you', the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?'
'Yes', said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?' 
'Moses', said the bird.

'That's a silly name for a parrot, 'sneered the burglar. 'What kind of fool named you Moses?'
The parrot said, 'The same fool who named the Rottweiler Jesus.'

Unknown reindeer

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

Once there was a chicken

Once there was a Chicken who went into a library and said: "Book Book" and the Librarian gave the Chicken some books. Then the Chicken returned and again said: "Book Book" and once more the Librarian gave the Chicken some books. The Chicken returned AGAIN and the Librarian thought "After I give this Chicken some books, I'm going to see where he's going." So the Librarian gave the Chicken some books and followed him. The Chicken met a Frog and gave the books to him. The Frog  said "Red-it Red-it"!

A tour bus driver

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled, whereupon the old lady answers,

"We just love the chocolate around them."

An engineer

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"

A Parrot Attitude

A young woman named Jessie received a parrot as a gift many years ago. Over time the parrot developed an extremely bad attitude. 

It got to the point that every word out of the bird's mouth was rude and obnoxious.  Jessie tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to 'clean up' the bird's attitude and by then 'foul language.'

Finally, Jessie was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jessie lost it and shook the parrot. The parrot became uncontrollable and even more rude. Jessie, in desperation, threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that she'd hurt the parrot, Jessie quickly opened the door to the freezer.The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jessie's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Jessie was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  

As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Time for a joke

A curious child asked his mother, “Mummy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child “It is because of you dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently, “Now I know why grandma has only grey hairs on her head.”

An old man

An old man lived alone. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work and his only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply: "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the entire garden, that's where I buried the money."

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden without

finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was, "Now plant

your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

A Bad Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears."Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.""This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.""So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Author Unknown

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
as to when they could discuss the use of the car.
The father said he would make a deal with his son if he brought up his grades from a C to a B, studied his Bible and got his hair cut. He said that then they'll discuss the car.

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he would settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you have brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut".
The boy said, "You know , Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there is even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love Dad's reply!)
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went!'

Yellow 24 - a funny story

A man goes into the doctors feeling rather unwell. The doctor checks him over and says, 'I have some bad news for you. You have Yellow 24. It's a really nasty virus that turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live, that is why it is called Yellow 24. Unfortunately there is no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So the man trudges slowly home and breaks the news to his wife. Distraught she asks him to go to the bingo hall with him as he has never been there with her before.  He agrees and later on they arrive at the bingo hall and with his first card the man gets four corners and wins £35. Then with the same card he gets a line and wins £320. Next he gets a full house and wins £1000. The National Game came up, and lo and behold he won that too, a massive £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win 4 corners, the full house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on earth!'

'Lucky!' he screamed. 'Lucky! I will have you know that I have got Yellow 24!'

'Blow me!' says the bingo caller. 'You have won first prize in the raffle as well!'

(A story found on the internet.)

Any dentist who says this won't hurt a bit...............

Q: What does the dentist of the year get?

A: A little plaque

Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A:Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal

Q:Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned