What to do today?

What to do today?!

Where's my dinner?

Where's my dinner?

Over 40

40 years old?
You’re 4 perfect 10's!

No woman should have kids over 40. Really, 40 kids is enough.

40 is when you finally get your head together and your body has other ideas.

Wow, you’re 40! You were such a happenin’ dude.
What happened, Dude?

The forties are pretty much like the thirties, except it takes longer to recover from a big party. And you start to get more sensible tattoos.

Feeling over the hill at 40? No worries. Popping bubble wrap turns everybody into a little kid again.

Dog Rules

Bark softly

Guard the house

Be patient

Do tricks when asked

Show affection

Fetch the stick

No drinking from the toilet

Always be faithful

Ask to go outside

Lick often

Eat all your dinner

Locked Out

I’ll preface this by saying I’m usually not a stupid man but I was at the end of my third 16 hour shift in a row and I was very tired. I’ll make this quick:

I got off work, went out to my car, hit the button for the doors on my remote unlocker – as usual. Nothing happened. I tried it a few more times, battery must be dead. I stand there for 10 minutes, mashing the little button, hoping for enough juice to open the doors. Nothing

“I call a locksmith, explain that I’m locked out of my car. He says he’ll be right over. 20 minutes later he arrives. He walks up with his tools, inserts a thing that looks like a blood pressure cuff in the door jamb. He starts making conversation as it inflates, pushing the door open:

‘So locked your keys in the car? No problem sir, I’ll have it open in a minute.’

‘No, my keys are right here, my key fob is dead,’ I replied..

“He stops and for about 10 seconds doesn’t say a word. He sees my keys in my hands. Takes them from me, inserts them in the lock and opens the door.

I was mortified. I was so in a habit of opening the doors with my remote fob that I entirely forgot that keys could be used to unlock cars manually. He started laughing so hard I thought he was going to have an aneurysm. After he stopped laughing, he told me there was no charge. The story he’d have to tell was worth the drive out.”

To ride a horse

To ride a horse is to ride the sky.

The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit and fire.
Sharon Ralls Lemon

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

Will Rogers

Happy Tuesday 

If you want a stable friendship,

get a horse.

Repaint

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So, he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty. So he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
"Repaint! And thin no more!"

Pass the baked beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!

Oh no! Not another joke!

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse.  He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.  The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present.  She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you... it don't look so good."

Penguin Joke to make you groan!

A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat.

He says to the man, “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car?”

The man says, “I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up”

“You should take them to the zoo,” replied the attendant.

“What a good idea,” said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.


The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant serves him and notices the penguins are still in the car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?”

The man replies, “I did... they loved it... and now I’m going to take them to the movies!”