Where's my dinner?

Where's my dinner?

Over 40

40 years old?
You’re 4 perfect 10's!

No woman should have kids over 40. Really, 40 kids is enough.

40 is when you finally get your head together and your body has other ideas.

Wow, you’re 40! You were such a happenin’ dude.
What happened, Dude?

The forties are pretty much like the thirties, except it takes longer to recover from a big party. And you start to get more sensible tattoos.

Feeling over the hill at 40? No worries. Popping bubble wrap turns everybody into a little kid again.

Dog Rules

Bark softly

Guard the house

Be patient

Do tricks when asked

Show affection

Fetch the stick

No drinking from the toilet

Always be faithful

Ask to go outside

Lick often

Eat all your dinner

Locked Out

I’ll preface this by saying I’m usually not a stupid man but I was at the end of my third 16 hour shift in a row and I was very tired. I’ll make this quick:

I got off work, went out to my car, hit the button for the doors on my remote unlocker – as usual. Nothing happened. I tried it a few more times, battery must be dead. I stand there for 10 minutes, mashing the little button, hoping for enough juice to open the doors. Nothing

“I call a locksmith, explain that I’m locked out of my car. He says he’ll be right over. 20 minutes later he arrives. He walks up with his tools, inserts a thing that looks like a blood pressure cuff in the door jamb. He starts making conversation as it inflates, pushing the door open:

‘So locked your keys in the car? No problem sir, I’ll have it open in a minute.’

‘No, my keys are right here, my key fob is dead,’ I replied..

“He stops and for about 10 seconds doesn’t say a word. He sees my keys in my hands. Takes them from me, inserts them in the lock and opens the door.

I was mortified. I was so in a habit of opening the doors with my remote fob that I entirely forgot that keys could be used to unlock cars manually. He started laughing so hard I thought he was going to have an aneurysm. After he stopped laughing, he told me there was no charge. The story he’d have to tell was worth the drive out.”

To ride a horse

To ride a horse is to ride the sky.

The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit and fire.
Sharon Ralls Lemon

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

Will Rogers

Happy Tuesday 

If you want a stable friendship,

get a horse.

Repaint

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So, he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty. So he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
"Repaint! And thin no more!"

Pass the baked beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!

You're giving me a headache

You're giving me a headache.

Oh heck

Oh heck, I'm going to pay for this later........

The husband store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the "Husband Store."

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Cat Lovers Rules

1. The cat is not allowed in the house.
2. OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Ok, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture.
4. The cat can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to
   sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow.
7. OK, The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only.
8. Well, ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too.
9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat;
   only the cat can sleep on the pillow. 

The Cute Princess

There once was a really cute princess who was walking through the woods. All of a sudden she heard a voice calling,  "Hey Really Cute Princess!"

She looked around and didn't see anyone or anything but a frog sitting on a big rock. She started to carry on her way but the frog called again. "Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow next to you, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"

It had been a very long and boring day so she decided to pick up the frog and give it a try though she really didn't believe the frog at all.

The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow beside her. When she woke up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow beside her sat a really Handsome Prince.

Do you believe this story?

No! Neither did her mother!

Parrot at Auction

One day David went to an auction. While he was there, he bid for a parrot. David really wanted this bird, so he got caught up and thoroughly involved in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. 

Finally, after he had bid much more than he had intended, David won the bid; the parrot was his at last.

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, 'I hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!'

'Don't worry.' said the auctioneer, 'He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?'

The parrot and the thief

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.  He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, 'Jesus is watching you!'

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
'Jesus is watching you', the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?'
'Yes', said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?' 
'Moses', said the bird.

'That's a silly name for a parrot, 'sneered the burglar. 'What kind of fool named you Moses?'
The parrot said, 'The same fool who named the Rottweiler Jesus.'

Unknown reindeer

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

Once there was a chicken

Once there was a Chicken who went into a library and said: "Book Book" and the Librarian gave the Chicken some books. Then the Chicken returned and again said: "Book Book" and once more the Librarian gave the Chicken some books. The Chicken returned AGAIN and the Librarian thought "After I give this Chicken some books, I'm going to see where he's going." So the Librarian gave the Chicken some books and followed him. The Chicken met a Frog and gave the books to him. The Frog  said "Red-it Red-it"!

A tour bus driver

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled, whereupon the old lady answers,

"We just love the chocolate around them."

Some cause happiness

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.